every turn

reminds me how lucky I am to be living in this place and how wonderful those times in the Tennessee mountains were and what a nice family I am part of.

it’s not like i’m freaking out or anything

but life is passing by so quickly.  It feels like just yesterday we were saying “57 days” and now it’s “8 days” and things are happening so quickly.

I’m trying to go slow.  To soak it all in.

But mapping out the day is a challenge and I see how quickly the minutes pass and I’m not freaking out or anything but I’m a little bit sad because I want more time to grow in love with you and I am a jealous lover and I don’t like to share this time and these moments that pass by so so quickly. 

And that’s why I always think back to California because falling in love was slow that week and time didn’t seem to pass as quickly when we sat in the back of your truck and talked about what marriage meant and how many stars we could see even though my eyes were overflowing just like my heart.

And I didn’t mean for this to turn into what it is now, but there you have it.

Jesus, peace.

it is so much more

than just praying against bitterness.

Because bitterness is always there.  Welling up inside my heart.  My wicked, ugly heart.  I have got to fight every day against this bitterness and it is hard.  It is so hard.  Because as many as are for me seem to be against me and it’s a struggle that I would much rather just give up on.

But let’s be real.  That is so not an option.

So it’s more than just praying against bitterness.  Because like Banner it’s just always inside me and when pushed to the limit something is going to overflow and as much as I’d love to say it’s joy, bitterness is never far away.  So praying is only step one.

Before the bitterness.  After the bitterness.  In the midst of the bitterness.  And when there is not even any reason or any thing or any one to be bitter with.  It’s a quiet moment.  It’s a day alone.  It’s a perspective adjustment.  And it’s not just praying against the bitterness.

this outpouring

It’s just one of those nights after one of those other nights.  Except the other night was really hard and tonight was just one of those nights.  But regardless of what I’m skirting around here, and no matter what kind of day or night it is, I am so loved.  Good grief the love is overwhelming.  And it’s been a long time in the making but it is so good.  And this outpouring of love is inspirational.  It’s his love, and her love, and their love, and His love and just good to take a minute and realize and remember.

Because even when you are a world away, that love is bridging the gap and yes things get ugly and people make mistakes and I am not as caring as you might think, but holy moly I am trying and it’s undeniable that I am growing.  And this outpouring of love is incredible. 

There is absolutely nothing like getting back to the basics.  We need to keep things incredibly simple before they get incredibly overwhelming.  Sometimes I need to take a step back and just reevaluate.  Everything.  And that’s been happening and my is it challenging but it will be so worth it.  What I see deep inside me is gross and unappealing but this outpouring of love is more than enough to inspire change.

This is sanctification.  This is Christ dwelling in me.  This is most desirable.

Insecurity is so unattractive.

In 24 days I will be married to the most patient and diligent man I have ever known and my heart is having a hard time handling that.