it was this season a season ago

I keep on saying this is just a season and it will pass and I keep trying to get my focus on enjoying the season for what it is but truthfully, secretly, I am tired of living life like this and I am anxious for this season to end.

And I’m not trying to seem pessimistic, but in reality this discontentment has nothing to do with what’s actually happening in this season and everything to do with my own selfish heart.  If I cannot be content with what is going on now and learn to balance my priorities and my hopes and my dreams and my responsibilities there is no foundation for the future.  Because it will be this season all over again next season, the only difference will be the circumstance. 

I want this to be over.  I want to feel like I can sit back and relax and do nothing.  But when it is over and I do sit back and relax and do nothing I am only setting myself up for a rude awakening to a new season that’s made up of the same old hard to deal with problems in this season. 

note to self

There are no guarantees in life.

If I want things to happen I’m going to have to take some risks and I should know that by now.

Doesn’t make things any easier though.

I will never deserve you.

Never have I ever been more confident with a decision.
Never have I ever been more conflicted with a reaction.

And this is not even about success or failure anymore, it’s all about my heart and getting it right.

Surreal

It’s disorienting. Unreal.  Fantastic.  Dreamlike.  It’s surreal.  And I think that is going to be a theme for this season because it is truly unlike any other.

Honestly, a year ago, I would not have imagined things being the way they are now.  And a year from now, it’s all going to be completely different.  And it’s somewhat terrifying but it’s more exciting than anything.  Because I’m realizing that literally anything is possible with Christ.

And it gives me a bit of hope that I will not stay this way forever and I will end up growing up as slowly as it seems to happen.  Of course, I’m in no rush to grow up, but it would certainly be nice to have a good head on my shoulders.  Because with a heart as wicked and deceitful as mine there’s not much else to hope for.

There is a lot to learn.  And a lifetime to build on figuring this stuff out since my foundation is already laid.